Growing Pains

Sitting in the mess

2007-05-05T20:55:00.000Z

Life’s been a bit messy the last few weeks – lots going on, lots of loose ends, lots of uncertainty, a little frustration, a little heartache, a number of friends in hard and frustrating places – but you know what, somehow, in a funny kind of way it’s been good.

In the mess, emotion and confusion Jesus has been close – he’s been real and personal in ways I’ve not experienced for quite a while. Mess can actually be okay, it’s life, it doesn’t need running away from, it can actually be good to sit in sometimes. I think too often we want answers, we seek clarity, clean lines, safety, when actually we just need Jesus.

And in mess the shit hits the fan: old genuine heartfelt vows are tested – Did I really mean that? Did I really commit to follow whatever? Does this really mean I have to act this way now? Do I really trust? In the mess I’ve found again that Jesus won my heart a long time ago and yes it’s still his. These days things might not feel so warm and jolly, but there’s resolve and there’s peace: it feels right to live right. It’s not always easy but it is good to live well. It’s good not to live selfishly, to put Jesus first, to put people first, to live generously, to be a good friend, to look after myself physically, emotionally and spiritually, to live honestly, to live justly. I wanna choose these things more. And here in the mess, in the tough choices, in the uncertainty I find Jesus, and, whatever else, it’s good to be near him. So if he’s here, then I think I’ll sit in the mess a little longer..

Miami baby!

2007-03-26T07:39:00.000Z

So I’m writing this from South Beach, Miami, the land of fake smiles, fake breasts and fake beaches (all imported sand apparently). I arrived here on Wednesday evening for the Winter Music Conference, an annual gathering/big knees-up for the dance music industry. It’s been incredible just to get out here – I only found out the Thursday before that I was being sent out by the record label I work for – and the whole experience has been really encouraging.

Timing can be a funny thing. Just last week I was feeling bored, frustrated and confused; wondering if I was running up a blind alley with the label but also feeling like this is what I’m meant to be doing for now and that I need to just stick with it. Then I found out that I was coming out to Miami, had to prepare with very little time and had to blag time off my other job; suddenly life was interesting again! My time out here has been really encouraging too because so many people have been really positive about the label, we’ve heard quite a few of our tracks played out, I’ve received compliments about the work I’m doing, and I’m just generally feeling it – feeling like this is something I can do and should be doing right now and feeling that God’s really in it with me.

So I’m feeling good about things at the moment, but I know those times of feeling bored and frustrated will return again, those times when I’m fed up with working myself to the ground with little reward, those times when I fear I’m wasting my time, those times when it’s tough and I just need to push on; it’s inevitable these times will come. I guess the key is to celebrate and savour these moments when it all clicks together and to remember, cherish and use them to push on when life’s not so peachy. I’m glad my life’s not always easy and obvious, that sometimes I just have to push on, that I’m rarely satisfied with the ordinary, that it’s an unpredictable adventure – if it wasn’t I wouldn’t get crazy last-minute trips out to Miami, and I rather like those!

So hot right now...

2007-02-20T18:20:00.000Z

The ten tracks I can’t get enough of this month…

1. The Heritage Orchestra – Sky Breaks (Brownswood) – Wonderful orchestral jazz, full of hope.

2. Figurines – Silver Ponds (Ben Watt mix) (Strange Feeling) – This track just builds and builds to a real feel-good crescendo.

3. 4 hero – Give In (Raw Canvas) – Exceedingly warm. It’s got soul.

4. Jimpster – Square Up (Buzzin’ Fly) – Deep textured house music at its very best.

5. Nathan Fake – The Sky Was Pink (Icelandic Version) (Border Community) – Awsome, stirring electronica soundscape. Almost makes me cry on every listen! Techno heads should check the more than adequate Holden remix too.

6. Mike Monday – I Dream of Ducks (12 Inch Version) (Playtime) – Bounce to this.

7. Sufjan Stevens – Detroit, Lift Up Your Weary Head! (Rebuild! Restore! Reconsider!) (Rough Trade) – Worth a place in this chart for the title alone. I’m really into Sufjan. Hard to pick a stand-out track but Michigan is the last album I bought so the one I’m listening to most and this is one of my favourites off the album.

8. Francois DuBois – I Try (Urbantorque) – Deep house innit. A nice grooving remix from Nic Fanciulli too.

9. Tracey Thorn – It’s All True (Martin Buttrich mix) (Virgin) – First solo effort for yonks from Everything But The Girl’s Tracey Thorn. A voice that could cut through ice.

10. The Gossip – Listen Up (Back Yard) – Raw energy, and you just can never get enough cowbell!

The Courage to Question

2007-02-20T13:23:00.000Z

I recently read a chapter of a book in which the disciple Thomas is held up as an example of bold curiosity defying the contempt of his fellow disciples in his desperation to experience the risen Jesus for himself. I’ve never looked at Thomas in this way, always assuming him to be the ‘bad’ doubter who needed Jesus to confront his disbelief. It’s easy to be harsh on Thomas and to forget that none of the other disciples believed without seeing as he was expected to. He just hadn’t been there when Jesus turned up the first time. We don’t know why; it’s quite possible he had a very legitimate reason for not being with the other disciples at this time.

Anyway, I had a look at the passage in John 20 to see whether I have indeed always been a bit harsh on hapless Thomas, and to be honest it’s hard to tell – it’s all about tone. Jesus says to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.” When I try and play this scene in my mind I play with two outcomes. In the first Jesus is admonishing Thomas, teaching him a lesson about belief and faith in a miraculous God. He commands him, “Stop doubting.” This is the interpretation I guess I’ve just picked up and gone with, but as I think about it this scene just doesn’t match up with the compassionate, understanding, grace-full Jesus I’ve been getting to know.

What if Jesus was stopping-off to give Thomas the opportunity to experience what he was asking for; to meet him in his questioning. There seems to be no other reason why Jesus made this second visit to his disciples other than to meet Thomas and allow him to do exactly what he said he’d need to be able to believe in his Messiah’s resurrection. What if Jesus’ tone as he spoke to Thomas rather than bearing an air of condescension was actually warm, friendly, gentle, perhaps even playful. “Here, Thomas, come and put your finger here. Feel this. See, you can believe it now; it’s me.” I’m beginning to think Thomas actually got special treatment because of his questioning.

I’d like to question more; to not be satisfied with other people’s experiences and pet answers; to search for truth, and then maybe occasionally for truth to come and search me out and meet me in my questioning, just as Jesus once did for Thomas.

Spontaneous Adventure

2007-02-13T21:55:00.000Z

My friend Tim and I recently had a ‘Long Way Round’ session. The ‘Long Way Round’ is a brilliant documentary following Ewan McGregor and his friend Charlie Boardman as they travel round the world on their motorbikes from London to New York across Europe, Russia through countries like Kazakhstan and Mongolia and over to Alaska, Canada then the US. It’s such an inspiring watch, that even if you’ve never before wanted to don leathers and helmet will make you want to jump on the nearest bike and venture into the unknown.

After five back-to-back 40-minute episodes Tim and I were craving adventure. “Lets go to Scotland!... no too far.” “The lake district, that’s closer but still beautiful… no still too far.” “Brighton… then we’d have to go all round the M25…” We ended up on the long, treacherous road to… Southend! Southend-on-sea, hardly deepest Mongolia, but there we were doing something we’d never expected to be doing that same morning. We had fish and chips, played the 2p machines at the arcades (how addictive!), hung out on the beach, I went for a paddle (stupid), but it was just good unplanned fun.

There’s something about spontaneity, something about adventure that just makes me feel more like me: freer, more fun, more alive, and closer to God. It’s so easy to keep this sense of adventure and wonder and fun when I’m away from normality – in Ibiza, Romania, wherever, but back home, in the mundane and ordinary, I loose it or forget it, perhaps neglect it.

I want to find ways to intertwine adventure and spontaneity into ordinary life. How can I keep this vitality, this excitement, playfulness and freedom without getting bogged down by the normal? I will have times of crazy adventure, but how can I keep that craziness, curiosity and exploration alive during those days that appear just like the last? How do I subvert the ordinary and disrupt the predictable?

Just another blogger

2007-02-13T21:37:00.000Z

So here I am, finally entering the blogoshpere. It's something I've been wanting to do for a while and now at last my hands have come from beneath my arse and I am writing.

I think this will be a helpful place for me to be able to process, reflect, cast out my musings etc. Whether it'll be of interest to anyone else remains to be seen, but I hope maybe it might. We will see...

Please feel free to get involved and comment on this blog. Sage advice is welcome as long as we agree that I'm still right(!).